In fear of blank canvas / Strah od praznog platna

Today I’m starting a new painting, after more than ten years of painting I would expect that the jitters before starting to paint would vanish. But that’s not the case, I prepare colors, canvas is ready and then all of a sudden…Hand starts to shake, breathing becomes fast, fear triumphs over body and mind… After few seconds gathering courage I make a first brush stroke, now it’s alright, now I can lose myself…

Every time like I’m starting to paint my first painting, I get excited thinking how this one will be my best work. With time expectations rise, this one must be better than last one and the pressure rises, the pressure I created.

Thoughts are starting to appear in my head, would anybody like this, will I manage to sell it, after all I need to buy a new set of colors, new canvases and my brushes are worn out.

Paint to sell, you need to eat…No, paint to create a masterpiece…No, paint just to paint…

Than in that wonderful moment when I conquer my fears and realize, paint because you want to, paint what you like, everything becomes clear, stroke follows thoughts, thoughts follow emotions.

At the end I paint because I have to!
Just another day and tomorrow all over again…In fear of blank canvas I draw a first brush stroke and again I disappear.

Today I’m not posting a picture because as I said in the beginning, I’m starting a new one.

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Danas započinjem novu sliku, nakon deset i više godina bavljenja slikanjem očekivao bih da će nervoza pred početak nove slike nestati.
Međutim svaki put pripremim boje, postavim platno i onda trenutak kad treba početi…Ruka zadrhti, počnem ubrzano disati, trema obuzima tijelo i um…
Nakon par sekundi skupljanja hrabrosti povlačim prvi potez, sad je sve na svom mjestu, sad nestajem…
Svaki put kao da počinjem svoju prvu sliku, uzbudim se razmišljajući kako će ova biti moje vrhunsko djelo. Vremenom očekivanja porastu,
svaka mora biti bolja od prošle i pritisak raste, pritisak koji sam sebi stvaram.
Misli o tome da li će se nekom svidjeti, da li ću je uspjeti prodati, ipak treba kupiti opet boje, platna i zamjeniti istrošene kistove.
Slikaj da prodaš, trebaš jesti…Ne, slikaj da stvoriš vrhunsko djelo…Ne, ipak slikaj da bi slikao…
U onim divnim trenutcima kad pobjedim strahove i shvatim, slikaj zato što želis, slikaj šta voliš, sve postaje jasno, potez prati misao, misao prati osjećaj.
Na kraju krajeva, slikam zato što moram!
Još samo jedan dan i sutra opet iz početka…U strahu od praznog platna povlačim potez i opet nestajem.

Danas ne postavljam sliku jer kao što rekoh, danas započinjem novu.

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